Guilt

Sometimes guilt is all consuming.  Sometimes it seems almost paralyzing.  Sometimes it makes my heart race so fast that I can barely handle it.  I’m not sure why I always feel guilty.  Whether it be the way I was raised, the pressure from work or the desire to be home with my boys more than I am, I can’t really put a finger on it.

The past two days I have been home with my boys, all of us sick.  It started on Saturday and peaked on Sunday with a 40C fever for one of the boys.  His heart was racing, he was lethargic and Tylenol wasn’t bringing it down more than .5 of a degree.  So, we dropped off the other one off at my mom’s and headed to the ER.

Once there the nurses dealt with us quickly and effectively taking his condition very seriously putting us right in a room instead of the dreaded forever wait in the waiting room.  We got seen by a doctor quickly, he was given a Popsicle, water, a bag to collect urine and an order for blood work.

We were there two hours and eventually they sent us home saying that a fever is “not a big deal” and the “worst that can happen is a seizure”  Seriously??  That is something I should wait till it happens?  Ugh. Not feeling good about this.

So, I’ve stayed home, as has my husband and we have done everything possible.  Water, juice, Tylenol, sleep, baths.  You name it, we’ve tried to combat this fever.

But, it keeps coming back.  It bounces up and down from normal to 40C a few times a day.  With one drained, totally drained. and the other totally fine.  Happy, playful but concerned for his brother.

I just feel guilty.  Guilty I can’t do more.  Guilty I am not getting work done.  Guilty that I am a team leader at my job and I am falling seriously behind.  Guilty that I am away from work.  Guilty that I am away for a conference this weekend.  Guilty.

What do you feel guilty about?